French is a hot language.

WARNING: This post contains a lot of French.

"Pour regarder dans les yeux de la mort est enivrante".

You know what that translates to? Actually. I wanna warn you that before you read on, I was reading about "House of Leaves" today on TvTropes, and it appears to be a very frightening book, and that's where I got the above quote from. So...I'm not responsible any mental scarring.

Anyway, "Pour regarder dans les yeux de la mort est envrante" translates to "To look into the eyes of death is intoxicating". Now, to say that in English immediately comes off as scary. To say it in French?

It just sounds so pretty. French can make anything sound really pretty. Which is why, I think, Lady Gaga is obsessed with it. Yeah, that was a random segue, I know.

If you disagree with me, think about it. In the beginning of Alejandro she says, "I know that we are young, and I know that you may love me. But I just can't be with you like this anymore...Alejandro" IN A FRENCH ACCENT. Now, if you're speaking to a dude with a Hispanic name, why are you donning a French accent? Wouldn't it make more sense to say it with a hispanic accent?

No. Because it doesn't sound as pretty. Go on. Try it. I'll wait. I can't even do the Hispanic actually. It just ends up sounding like a redneck version of Speedy Gonzalez. Pathetic, I know.

And in Bad Romance, Lady Gaga says, "Je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revanche. Je veux ton amour" which according to Google Translate translates into "I want your love, and I want your hand. I want your love". Although, revanche can mean 'revenge' in French so...I'm thinking something is lost in translation here. Whatever.

Following that line, she says, "I don't wanna be friends". In a French accent. Admittedly, if she said it in an Italian accent after speaking French it would sound weird. But why doesn't she say, "Voglio il tuo amore e voglio la tua vendetta, io voglio il tuo amore" (Italian) or "Eu quero seu amor e eu quero a sua vingança, eu quero seu amor" (Portugese) or "Quiero tu amor y quiero tu venganza, Quiero tu amor" (Spanish). Because none of them sound NEARLY as good as "Je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revanche. Je veux ton amour".

Now, French may just work for Lady Gaga.

...Or does it?

Listen to this. It's Colors of the Wind in French. Here's the English version. French makes a Disney movie sound incredibly sexy. Actually, the English one's actual sound quality seems to be a lot worse on my computer, so that could just be my computer.

I will admit, the English one has Judy Kuhn going for it, who orginated the role of Cosette in Les Miserables (which, I will get to in a minute). But the French one just has a better quality of lyricality (yes, I'm going Mia Michaels up in this joint) to it. It flows better. It sounds better. It makes me want to go plant a tree. Also, it distracts one from the fact that Pocahontas doesn't have a nose.

I bet you didn't notice that before until I mentioned it. Don't worry, I didn't either until Nostalgia Chick mentioned it to me either. Go on, check. It's okay. I'll wait.

...Are you there? Okay, good! Moving on!

As not really promised, Les Miserables! Now, I really don't know where to begin with this. The book, the numerous film versions, or the musical. Let's begin with my favorite one: the musical! Les Miserables (the musical) was released in 1980 as a concept album by two French guys nobody ever heard of: Claude-Michel Schönberg and Alain Boublil. The original stage production of this concept album was held in a sports arena for three months and then closed when booking contracts expired.

In 1982, Cameron Mackintosh, most notable for producing shows like Cats and Phantom of the Opera and...well, Les Mis, was given a copy of the concept album by some guy named Farago. Farago wanted Mackintosh to make an English adaptation of the successful concept album. Mackintosh was initially reluctant, but eventually produced Les Miserables, which opened at Barbican Arts Centre on October 8th (which is also the same day Phantom of the Opera opened in Her Majesty's Theatre, one year later), 1985. Initially, it was slated to be a commercial failure, being horribly condemmed by theater critics and literary critics alike. But the public enjoyed it, and thus it thrived, steadily gaining better reviews and was eventually moved to the Queen's Theatre where it plays to this day. I wanna go see it.

So, what does this have to do with the language of the French? The entire musical.

Wait. Actually. Before I even get into that, they're doing a 25th Anniversary Concert this year. Squee. I want to find a way to watch it. However, there is one problem I have with it. Nick Jonas. As Marius. Oh, God if I didn't mock Marius's every single note as it is...this will just make it so much worse. UGGH. I know Nick Jonas played Gavroche for a spell on Broadway...but I can't imagine him singing "A Heart Full of Love" and wanting to sigh dreamily. Granted, I never did that with Michael Ball. But I was close.

However, Lea Salonga (who was at the Tarrytown Music Hall last year and I wanted to go see her SO BADLY) is the only person from the 10th Anniversary concert who will be there. Instead of Eponine, she'll now be Fantine. I...am surprisingly okay with that.

Moving on.

I will take the most notable songs from that musical and compare them to their French counterparts. The French Recordings are from the concept album (yay YouTube!). English is from the Original Broadway cast.

Do You Hear The People Sing? vs. A La Volonte Du Peuple

Actually, I think this is a tie. The French guy definitely has more passion in his voice but...I could have an affair with Michael Maguire's voice. If it was possible, I would marry that man's voice. Mmmm. I love that voice so. Additionally, the English version as opposed to the French Concept makes use of all the Barricade Boys, not just Enjolras. The French one sounds very good though.

The song I hate with a burning, fiery passion vs its French counterpart

These are very different. Like, it shocked me the first time I listened to it. I mean, the tune of the vocals isn't that much different, but the instrumentation is so much more simple. I think I like it a lot more than the original Broadway version. Additionally, I like the background singers. You have to remember that Fantine's fate was similar to many, many women at that time. She is a lost soul, but not alone, if that makes sense. The only thing I don't like is how toward the end, her voice doesn't really change all that much as the music does, in comparison to the English. Additionally, the English one has an oboe solo that the beginning. It gets points just for that. But the French one is still better. Point to the French.

The Lea Michele Song vs The Song with a Boring Name in the Paris Revival

The French version is known as the 'lost' song of Eponine, as it didn't make it very far past the concept album, although you can hear part of the song in 'A Little Fall of Rain'. I like the French version better. I mean...it sounds more mournful instead of bitter. The problem with Eponine is that she was never meant to be a potential romantic interest for Marius. I'm looking at you, fanbrats.

In the book, she tricks Marius into going to the Barricades, convinced that he will die. She ends up taking a bullet for him, saying that "she wanted to die first". Although, it is argued that she also took the bullet for him selflessly, which can be construed...the point is, in the book she's a butterface that is supposed to show the ruination of society and how quickly it can turn on people. Additionally, she's a bit loony. Point is, she's suddenly become the icon for teenagers who completely miss the point of Eponine because her song basically translates to "HE DOESN'T LOVE MEEEEE". When it's really, "SOCIETY RUINED MY LIFE AND HE DOESN'T LOVE MEEEEEE". Although, I have no idea if that's what the French version is saying. I also don't like Francis Ruffelle's voice. It sounds high pitched and annoying. Also, for those of you who are wondering why I called this the 'Lea Michele song'...you must've not seen the pilot of Glee. Point to the French.

Bring Him Home vs Comme Un Homme

Now, Comme Un Homme did NOT originally appear in the French Concept Album, but has become one of the most notable songs for Jean Valjean and in the entire musical. I blame Britain's Got Talent. Essentially, these two are the same, and really relies on your vocal preferences. I prefer Colm Wilkinson. Also, it was a pain the ass to find a recording of this because Comme Un Homme translates to "Like A Man" and is also the French version of "I'll Make A Man Out of You" from Mulan. And the version I have here is the French Canadian version because I couldn't find the actual French version. I have it on my iTunes. Just not here. Point to the English.

Castle on a Cloud vs. Mon Prince Est En Chemin

I'm guessing the lyrics are completely different. The longer instrumentation in the French version is irksome to me, but the French gets the point actually because of the revival's title "Une poupée dans la vitrine", which is a reference to a doll Cosette sees in the window of a store that Jean Valjean will later buy for her. Anything that goes back to the source material just wins. Also, if you look at the comments on the French one, people who understand it says the original song makes a bit more sense in relation to the book. Point to the French.

That song made kind of famous by the Seinfeld episode vs. God, these people are shmucks

The Seinfeld episode in question is the one where George has this song stuck in his head and something about a suede jacket and Elaine's father...I only saw the episode once. My mom would know more about this stuff than I would. I made a parody of this song about the murderers in Macbeth. It was brilliant. I pick the French version yet again. It makes Thenardier sound suaver, but still sleazy. Which, he should. But he's so much worse in the book. Hence, why I like the book better. But still, point to the French.

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables vs. Seul devant ces tables vides

Seul devant ces tables vides, surprisingly, did not appear in the original concept album, as Marius never spends much time brooding over his fallen commerades in the book (as I recall). He was too busy being unconcious, reconciling with his grandfather, shunning Jean Valjean away and then getting married to even think about that. With the exception of mentioning Eponine like once or twice. Then again, in the book, Marius isn't close with the Friends of the ABC at all. He just joins them because Eponine told him that he was desperately needed and he thought he'd never see Cosette again. Now, I say that this is surprising because this is song is considered to be Marius's song. But, it had no reason to be on the original concept album which was more book oriented. At any rate...Marius can really be sold based on his actor. I'm not looking forward to hearing Nick Jonas singing this. The album will be released August 23rd. I plan on buying it. And mocking Nick Jonas.

But back to the song. I pick the French version, again. I actually couldn't find the original Broadway version on Youtube, which distressed me. So, I picked the 10th Anniversary Edition of this song, sung by Michael Ball, who is basically the reason why I don't like Marius. Book!Marius is awesome. Michael Ball!Marius isn't. Point to the French (c'mon, you know it sounds better).

All right, last song, I promise. I'm thinking of which Javert song to pick. His overly religious song that isn't true to the book whatsoever, or his suicide song. I pick the latter! C'mon, do you wanna hear the overly religious song? No. Exactly.

Javert's Suicide vs. Le suicide de Javert

Now, Le suicide de Javert was not called that in the concept album but I (OF COURSE) couldn't find it on YouTube. The song was originally called Noir ou Blanc (Black or White). Which may sound boring in English, but it's pretty legitimate if you consider Javert's way of thinking. Now, I'm not even using the Original Broadway version of Javert's Suicide. Why? Because the 10th Anniversary version kicks some major ass. Phillip Quast. He has a cool name and he is the man. Actually, Colm Wilkinson is the man, so Phillip Quast is the dude. Now, where the English version has Phillip Quast, the French version has the confrontation between Valjean and Javert, in which Valjean pleads Javert to spare him one more hour so he can save Marius. Although, the 10th Anniversary has this too...whatever, it sounds better in French and I'm having trouble finding it at the moment. My computer is old and it hates me.

Anyway, that's how French pwns in the Les Miserables musical. For the book, I will just show you this one quote and suddenly everything will make sense. Okay, not really but there's one particular quote that sounds so much better in French than it does in English. Like I said, French is a hot language.

"Tant qu’il existera, par le fait des lois et des mœurs, une damnation sociale créant artificiellement, en pleine civilisation, des enfers, et compliquant d’une fatalité humaine la destinée qui est divine; tant que les trois problèmes du siècle, la dégradation de l’homme par le prolétariat, la déchéance de la femme par la faim, l’atrophie de l’enfant par la nuit, ne seront pas résolus; tant que, dans de certaines régions, l’asphyxie sociale sera possible; en d’autres termes, et à un point de vue plus étendu encore, tant qu’il y aura sur la terre ignorance et misère, des livres de la nature de celui-ci pourront ne pas être inutiles."

Which translates to:

"So long as there shall exist, by reason of law and custom, a social condemnation, which, in the face of civilisation, artificially creates hells on earth, and complicates a destiny that is divine, with human fatality; so long as the three problems of the age — the degradation of man by poverty, the ruin of woman by starvation, and the dwarfing of childhood by physical and spiritual night — are not solved; so long as, in certain regions, social asphyxia shall be possible; in other words, and from a yet more extended point of view, so long as ignorance and misery remain on earth, books like this cannot be useless."

Actually, it sounds really good in both languages, but I imagine in French it flows better, as French was Hugo's native language. Here is the wikiquote page for Les Miserables (the book). Decide for yourself which one is better.

By the way, I'm sorry it took so long to get this to you. I burned my hand last week and then I got lyme disease...again.

Where else are pedicures supposed to go? On your face?

WARNING: The following post contains a lot of links to a lot of videos.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the videos or songs I make references to in this post.

Alas, this is not my post about Ke$ha. You know, the one I keep saying I'm going to do, but still haven't gotten around to it. I will...potentially. I actually was going to start it, and I had all the intentions of writing a post about Ke$ha. Until I started watching GloZell videos (capitalized 'Z' is intentional!). And then I was a goner. Because you can't just watch ONE GloZell video. You have to watch like fifteen.

And right now I'm up to twenty. Yeah. Twenty. She's hilarious. The problem is, she's got like a gazillion videos, some that are her commenting on songs, some telling stories, and some that are just weird sketch things...I think it's supposed to be commentary on society. I think. I have no fucking clue.

But she's funny as hell. And I wrote about her on my AP Lang essay. That's RIGHT. I wrote about this woman on my AP exam. Because she is that funny. Oh shit...I really hope the 'AP Police' doesn't come after me now...we took the damn exams. Scores are coming in two weeks. They can suck my nonexistant male appendage.

Incidentally, what does 'smh' mean? I see it all the time on girls' Facebook statuses, and I'm just like, "Dude? What the hell are you talkin' 'bout?" This just proves that I'm just not meant to be a part of mainstream society. -shrug-

Anyway. So this video that I'm about is how I was introduced to GloZell. Kind of. I'm not gonna lie, if it wasn't for the people on my swim team, I would have NEVER heard of this woman. So, thanks guys. You've given me a new reason to procrasinate. Seriously, I watched GloZell videos instead of studying for the APs. I think it'll show up in my scores when they arrive, whenever the hell that is.



Stay on yo side!

Now, honestly, that's not my favorite, and this wasn't even the first GloZell video I ever saw. I just heard about it, because certain people who won't be named kept quoting it in the locker room and during kick sets. You're not even reading it but you know who you are. You know who you are.

This second video, ALSO introduced to me by two people who were endlessly quoting it in the locker room, and this one WAS the first one I saw. This one was the one that got my started on my GloZell obsession, and derailed me from writing about my Ke$ha post? How? Because it's about Ke$ha. And it was this line, "'I wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy.' P. Diddy? LAWD HAVE MERCY!" Additionally, this video also has the line in which this post was named after.

It is a glorious video. And it will provide many lolz. Intentional or unintentional. WARNING: Do not drink any beverages while watching this video. They will come out of your nose.



HOW DRUNK IS YOU?!

Notice how these all are legitimate concerns in regards to Ke$ha's song. I think it's absolutely brillant. And it's quotable. It's so freaking quotable. Even the 'triple A' slip-up toward the beginning (it was a slip-up, and she claims to know that but she does it again in the Blahblahblah video so...I dunno. Or maybe she didn't. I haven't watched the video in awhile but it's FUNNY). Even if you don't listen to some of the songs like Rude Boy, Bedrock, California Girls, Can't Be Tamed or Eenie Meenie, you need to LISTEN to these videos. THEY'RE SO FUNNY. By the way, those are all my personal favorites of GloZell's. I think they're so funny.

But they're also so legitimate critiques of the songs and their lyrics. It's absolutely amazing.

So...next video. I'm torn actually, between two videos. And I think I will post both of them. One has to stay in theme with mentioning Alejandro (I wanna see how many blog posts go by before I stop mentioning Alejandro for good). It's not the funniest video of hers, but I enjoy it because she's GOT A POINT. Don't call, Alejandro!



Don't call my name, Cilantro. -snort-
She mighta had lunch with Lucifer. -giggle-

That's clever. That's extremely clever. I mean, I don't know if that phrase existed before I heard her say it, but if it didn't, that's a clever alliteration. Or is that consonance? GOD DAMN IT, AP LANG. HOW DARE YOU TEACH ME TO OVERANALYZE EVERY LITTLE THING.

Not that I didn't do that already, but I overanalyzed people. That stupid class taught me to overanalyze commercials and songs and movies. Example? I wrote an intense analyzation of Point of No Return from Phantom of the Opera (Mmmm. Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman. Nothing beats the original, kids) and it made sense, no doubt, but I'm sure Andrew Lloyd Webber or Charles Hart or Richard Stilgoe (and I knew those guys' names without even having to look them up. I've mentioned before that I'm a musical theater freak, right?) had this in mind when they wrote the lyrics. Maybe I'll entreat you to said analyzation. If I feel like it.

I apologize for the musical digression.

Anyway. This second video only really applies if you've had this sort of experience at Subway. Which I have. The one time I went there.



It's so legit. Well, I didn't order the tuna. But what she's saying is so legit.

Okay. Random digression but this was irking me: my mom called me while I was typing this blog post, to talk about the SAT score requirements of Lehigh and TCNJ (by the way, TCNJ has higher requirements for the composite score than Lehigh. No lie. Go on Naviance if you don't believe me), and then she was like, "Oh. Ellen's calling. I gotta call you back."

My phone call lasted like fourty-four seconds or something like that. And it's like, "Woman. You leave the house before I wake up. You don't talk to me all day. The LEAST you can do is keep me on the line when Ellen calls." But NO.

And she does this ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

Whaterr'.

So...that's really it. I hope I haven't gotten you all shamelessly addicted to GloZell videos. Toodles!
Translations:
Whaterr'-Whatever

So...MJ. Yeah.

((Please note that this post was started yesterday))

Because I've only heard this SEVENTEEN THOUSAND TIMES TODAY...Michael Jackson died a year ago. And because I've heard this piece of information SEVENTEEN THOUSAND TIMES TODAY, I've decided to write something about it.

So. Michael Jackson. What makes him so freaking special?

This was my thought at nine in the morning, when I was driving my dog to the vet (he has a bruised tail. How does that happen? Wait. My mom's ex stepped on his tail. Asshole), and 103.5 (KTU! :D) was like, "We're Michael Jackson, all day today because he died a year ago and was taken from us too soon! Whoo hoo!"

And then they started playing 'Ben'. And I wasn't in the mood to listen to a song about a dead rat at nine in the morning when I was on my way to the vet. So I changed the radio station to Kansas' (which, at the time I was listening to it addressed it as Foreigner's, knowing that it was Kansas'...it was strange) "Carry On My Wayward Son". Sue me.

Anyway, I started thinking...what does make Michael Jackson so special? The answer to this question didn't come to me until about four in the afternoon, when I was driving on 287, windows down, blasting 'Alejandro'. Some hispanic dude (and I am not racially profiling, he was actually, legitimately hispanic) pulled up next to me and gave me a look that had...intentions behind it.

So I changed the station to KTU, wanting to get as fast away from Lady Gaga as I possibly could. And 'Thriller' came blasting out of my car. And there was this guy on the side of the highway...and he started to dance. And as I passed people, anyone with their windows open would look at me, smile, and start to twitch their shoulders to 'Thriller'.

And this wasn't just adults. There were senior citizens, college students...different people whose ages spanned at least four or five decades. Smiling and dancing along with my obnoxiously loud music. You don't get that with any other artist.

Like, you hear about fourty-year olds being madly in love with Tay Swift or Justin Bieber, and you think to yourself, "My God, that's just sad." Or, kids who scoff at their parents to listening to music from the 60s and 70s and whatnot saying it's, "Old people music"...that doesn't happen with Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson is simply Michael Jackson.

That's what makes Michael Jackson so freaking special. Unlike all these artists who claim to be individuals, Michael Jackson actually was an individual. There will never be an artist who can replace him, and no artist will ever be able to live up to him.

So. In other news, I got a 28 on my ACT. That's 91% tile in the country, biatches. It's also 86% tile in the state. Apparently NY is smart. Who knew?

ALSO. GHANA BEAT AMERICA. That's right, kids. America is out of the World Cup. I'm surprised we made it this far.

But her boyfriend's like her dad...WHAT?!?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the videos and lyrics I make references to in this blog post.

I know I said my next blog post would be about the entity that is Ke$ha, but after listening to Lady Gaga's 'Alejandro' today and watching the music video, I decided that Ke$ha's deeply rooted self-esteem issues needed to be put on the back burner. Because, quite frankly, Lady Gaga is probably a bigger mystery to society than Area 51.

I bet you anything scientists are baffled by Lady Gaga's mind. If it really even is her mind. Go on Youtube and listen to her stuff before she was found and made famous. She sounds amazing! Now that she's been 'discovered', she comes out with...well, this:



First of all...what? Are they facist (they're certainly wearing facist esque uniforms in the beginning)? Why does she have two giant, broken glass things on her head? Who died? What the hell is that bejeweled red object? Is she like a mistress of a sex harem? Is this intensive dancing boot camp? What's going on here? Who are Alejandro, Roberto and Fernando, and why does Roberto get left out toward the end? Is he the one that died? Are they all under mind control? Why is she asking him to let her go, if she's got them all locked up and shirtless? Why are they beating the shit out of each other? Is she a virgin sacrafice? Seriously, WTF is going on here?

When I first heard this song, I imagined the exact opposite of what the music video turned out to be. Like I expected Lady Gaga to be holding a Mohito or some fruity drink like that while these three Spanish dudes were trying to hit on her and get her attention. None of them really succeed, but at least Alejandro gets her attention. I expected the beach. And warm, sunny colors.

Like I said, the exact opposite of what this music video was. Now, not for nothing, Lady Gaga is known for some weird ass videos (Paparazzi, anyone?). Actually, that's her entire 'persona' or the persona that the label may have made up for her. Being weird. Which I don't have a problem with, but it just seems like she REALLY stretches it.

Is she disappointed in herself? What about her parents? Apparently she's been getting along better with her mom than in years past, but is that all a publicity thing? Who the hell knows?

All I know is, for all it's catchiness, Alejandro is a weird song. If you, like me, were so distracted by the music video the first time you saw it, the only thing you probably caught in the song was 'ale-ale-alejandro'. So, I'mma transcribe the lyrics and give my comments.

"I know that we are young
And I know that you may love me
But I just can't be with you like this anymore
Alejandro"

All right. I'm down with that. They can't be together anymore because of whatever reason. And the dude's name is Alejandro. All right, Lady Gaga. So far, I am with you.

"She's got both hands
In her pocket
And she won't look at you (won't look at you)"

You lost me, Gaga. Wait. Is she...you? Why are you speaking in the third person? You were just speaking in the first person! What's the point of going back from first to third person? It doesn't make sense. But, I do get you wanna avoid this Alejandro dude. He seems kinda sketch.

"She hides true love
En su bolsillo"

She hides true love in her bag? Is true love a new tampon brand or something?

"She's got a halo around her finger
Around you"

So, in basic terms, she's got Alejandro wrapped around her finger. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT, LADY GAGA? It'd be SO much easier to understand. Do you not want people to understand you? Does this have something to do with your parents? Do they try to get you, but clearly they don't. Talk to me, Lady Gaga. I'm your friend and I'm here to help you.

"You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico"

Well, his name is Alejandro, so I already assumed he was hispanic...thanks for clearing that up though. AND NOW YOU'RE BACK IN FIRST PERSON. GOD DAMN IT, GAGA. STICK WITH EITHER FIRST PERSON OR THIRD PERSON AND SAVE US ALL A GIGANTIC HEADACHE.

"Rejoice
At this point I've gotta choose
Nothing to lose"

I thought you already chose not to be with him. You told him you couldn't be together anymore. So like, are you lying to him? Are you lying to yourself? Are you in denial?

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro"

Well, we don't really know who you are, so it'd be really hard for him to do that.

"I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando"

...is Fernando the reason you're breaking up with Alejandro?

"Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush"

That sounds kinky.

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto"

Wait, who the fuck is this guy? Alejandro? Fernando? Roberto? No wonder you keep switching between third and first person! You can't decide on a man, how the hell can you decide which personal state to keep your songs in? Unless they're all the same person and you just suck at remembering names.

"Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro-e-ro"

So clearly this Alejandro means something to you...what the hell do Roberto and Fernando have to do with this?

"Stop
Please, just let me go
Alejandro
Just let me go"

But I thought she/you had him wrapped around her/your finger...? So why is he...wait. Why are you asking him to let YOU go? And if we wanna base stuff off the music video, then it you would be the one who as him hostage...so, yeah.

"She's not broken
She's just a baby"

You can be broken and young. Shit happens.

"But her boyfriend's like her dad
Just like a dad"

Umm...WHAT? That line screams to me "I HAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS". Doesn't that say the same thing to you if her boyfriend is like a dad? What does that even mean? Uggh, I don't even wanna think about it.

"And all those flames that
Burned before him
Now he's gotta firefight
Gotta cool the bad"

...her dad's a firefighter? I don't get this verse. Just like...at all.

"You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico
Rejoice
At this point I've gotta choose
Nothing to lose"

If this dude's like your dad, you might wanna choose Fernando or Roberto. Just saying. Y'know, I don't really understand the pysche behind dating someone who is like your dad. I love my dad and all, but if you compare your fuck buddy/boyfriend/fiancee/husband to your dad, I think that's extremely creepy.

Understandably, your dad is probably the one guy in your life who will want to protect you more than anything (a recent, and kind of intense grounding proved this to me), but...your fubud/bf/fiancee/hubby loves you in a completely different way. Y'know like...in the biblical sense. 0:)

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto"

All right, we get it. Guys, you're making it hard for her to choose. So, y'know, just go away. Nobody wants you. Or at the very least, Lady Gaga doesn't want you.

"Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro-e-ro"

Or maybe she just wants Alejandro. Her mixed signals are confusing me like no other.

"Don't bother me
Don't bother me
Alejandro
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Bye Fernando"

Aww, we're saying bye to Fernando? BYE, FERNANDO! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU! [/Titanic] Oh wait. That dude's name was Fabrizio. Hey, Lady Gaga? Why don't you hook up with him? Oh wait...he's dead and kind of at the bottom of the ocean. But don't let that stop you!

"I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Alejandro
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Fernando"

What happened to Roberto? He doesn't get a formal good-bye? That's cold, dude...tte.

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto"

No, wait, Roberto's back. And so is Fernando. I thought we said good-bye to Fernando. Is he the one that died? I'm still very confused.

"Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro-e-ro"

Oh, God this song makes me want to dance on a table. Really badly.