French is a hot language.

WARNING: This post contains a lot of French.

"Pour regarder dans les yeux de la mort est enivrante".

You know what that translates to? Actually. I wanna warn you that before you read on, I was reading about "House of Leaves" today on TvTropes, and it appears to be a very frightening book, and that's where I got the above quote from. So...I'm not responsible any mental scarring.

Anyway, "Pour regarder dans les yeux de la mort est envrante" translates to "To look into the eyes of death is intoxicating". Now, to say that in English immediately comes off as scary. To say it in French?

It just sounds so pretty. French can make anything sound really pretty. Which is why, I think, Lady Gaga is obsessed with it. Yeah, that was a random segue, I know.

If you disagree with me, think about it. In the beginning of Alejandro she says, "I know that we are young, and I know that you may love me. But I just can't be with you like this anymore...Alejandro" IN A FRENCH ACCENT. Now, if you're speaking to a dude with a Hispanic name, why are you donning a French accent? Wouldn't it make more sense to say it with a hispanic accent?

No. Because it doesn't sound as pretty. Go on. Try it. I'll wait. I can't even do the Hispanic actually. It just ends up sounding like a redneck version of Speedy Gonzalez. Pathetic, I know.

And in Bad Romance, Lady Gaga says, "Je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revanche. Je veux ton amour" which according to Google Translate translates into "I want your love, and I want your hand. I want your love". Although, revanche can mean 'revenge' in French so...I'm thinking something is lost in translation here. Whatever.

Following that line, she says, "I don't wanna be friends". In a French accent. Admittedly, if she said it in an Italian accent after speaking French it would sound weird. But why doesn't she say, "Voglio il tuo amore e voglio la tua vendetta, io voglio il tuo amore" (Italian) or "Eu quero seu amor e eu quero a sua vingança, eu quero seu amor" (Portugese) or "Quiero tu amor y quiero tu venganza, Quiero tu amor" (Spanish). Because none of them sound NEARLY as good as "Je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revanche. Je veux ton amour".

Now, French may just work for Lady Gaga.

...Or does it?

Listen to this. It's Colors of the Wind in French. Here's the English version. French makes a Disney movie sound incredibly sexy. Actually, the English one's actual sound quality seems to be a lot worse on my computer, so that could just be my computer.

I will admit, the English one has Judy Kuhn going for it, who orginated the role of Cosette in Les Miserables (which, I will get to in a minute). But the French one just has a better quality of lyricality (yes, I'm going Mia Michaels up in this joint) to it. It flows better. It sounds better. It makes me want to go plant a tree. Also, it distracts one from the fact that Pocahontas doesn't have a nose.

I bet you didn't notice that before until I mentioned it. Don't worry, I didn't either until Nostalgia Chick mentioned it to me either. Go on, check. It's okay. I'll wait.

...Are you there? Okay, good! Moving on!

As not really promised, Les Miserables! Now, I really don't know where to begin with this. The book, the numerous film versions, or the musical. Let's begin with my favorite one: the musical! Les Miserables (the musical) was released in 1980 as a concept album by two French guys nobody ever heard of: Claude-Michel Schönberg and Alain Boublil. The original stage production of this concept album was held in a sports arena for three months and then closed when booking contracts expired.

In 1982, Cameron Mackintosh, most notable for producing shows like Cats and Phantom of the Opera and...well, Les Mis, was given a copy of the concept album by some guy named Farago. Farago wanted Mackintosh to make an English adaptation of the successful concept album. Mackintosh was initially reluctant, but eventually produced Les Miserables, which opened at Barbican Arts Centre on October 8th (which is also the same day Phantom of the Opera opened in Her Majesty's Theatre, one year later), 1985. Initially, it was slated to be a commercial failure, being horribly condemmed by theater critics and literary critics alike. But the public enjoyed it, and thus it thrived, steadily gaining better reviews and was eventually moved to the Queen's Theatre where it plays to this day. I wanna go see it.

So, what does this have to do with the language of the French? The entire musical.

Wait. Actually. Before I even get into that, they're doing a 25th Anniversary Concert this year. Squee. I want to find a way to watch it. However, there is one problem I have with it. Nick Jonas. As Marius. Oh, God if I didn't mock Marius's every single note as it is...this will just make it so much worse. UGGH. I know Nick Jonas played Gavroche for a spell on Broadway...but I can't imagine him singing "A Heart Full of Love" and wanting to sigh dreamily. Granted, I never did that with Michael Ball. But I was close.

However, Lea Salonga (who was at the Tarrytown Music Hall last year and I wanted to go see her SO BADLY) is the only person from the 10th Anniversary concert who will be there. Instead of Eponine, she'll now be Fantine. I...am surprisingly okay with that.

Moving on.

I will take the most notable songs from that musical and compare them to their French counterparts. The French Recordings are from the concept album (yay YouTube!). English is from the Original Broadway cast.

Do You Hear The People Sing? vs. A La Volonte Du Peuple

Actually, I think this is a tie. The French guy definitely has more passion in his voice but...I could have an affair with Michael Maguire's voice. If it was possible, I would marry that man's voice. Mmmm. I love that voice so. Additionally, the English version as opposed to the French Concept makes use of all the Barricade Boys, not just Enjolras. The French one sounds very good though.

The song I hate with a burning, fiery passion vs its French counterpart

These are very different. Like, it shocked me the first time I listened to it. I mean, the tune of the vocals isn't that much different, but the instrumentation is so much more simple. I think I like it a lot more than the original Broadway version. Additionally, I like the background singers. You have to remember that Fantine's fate was similar to many, many women at that time. She is a lost soul, but not alone, if that makes sense. The only thing I don't like is how toward the end, her voice doesn't really change all that much as the music does, in comparison to the English. Additionally, the English one has an oboe solo that the beginning. It gets points just for that. But the French one is still better. Point to the French.

The Lea Michele Song vs The Song with a Boring Name in the Paris Revival

The French version is known as the 'lost' song of Eponine, as it didn't make it very far past the concept album, although you can hear part of the song in 'A Little Fall of Rain'. I like the French version better. I mean...it sounds more mournful instead of bitter. The problem with Eponine is that she was never meant to be a potential romantic interest for Marius. I'm looking at you, fanbrats.

In the book, she tricks Marius into going to the Barricades, convinced that he will die. She ends up taking a bullet for him, saying that "she wanted to die first". Although, it is argued that she also took the bullet for him selflessly, which can be construed...the point is, in the book she's a butterface that is supposed to show the ruination of society and how quickly it can turn on people. Additionally, she's a bit loony. Point is, she's suddenly become the icon for teenagers who completely miss the point of Eponine because her song basically translates to "HE DOESN'T LOVE MEEEEE". When it's really, "SOCIETY RUINED MY LIFE AND HE DOESN'T LOVE MEEEEEE". Although, I have no idea if that's what the French version is saying. I also don't like Francis Ruffelle's voice. It sounds high pitched and annoying. Also, for those of you who are wondering why I called this the 'Lea Michele song'...you must've not seen the pilot of Glee. Point to the French.

Bring Him Home vs Comme Un Homme

Now, Comme Un Homme did NOT originally appear in the French Concept Album, but has become one of the most notable songs for Jean Valjean and in the entire musical. I blame Britain's Got Talent. Essentially, these two are the same, and really relies on your vocal preferences. I prefer Colm Wilkinson. Also, it was a pain the ass to find a recording of this because Comme Un Homme translates to "Like A Man" and is also the French version of "I'll Make A Man Out of You" from Mulan. And the version I have here is the French Canadian version because I couldn't find the actual French version. I have it on my iTunes. Just not here. Point to the English.

Castle on a Cloud vs. Mon Prince Est En Chemin

I'm guessing the lyrics are completely different. The longer instrumentation in the French version is irksome to me, but the French gets the point actually because of the revival's title "Une poupée dans la vitrine", which is a reference to a doll Cosette sees in the window of a store that Jean Valjean will later buy for her. Anything that goes back to the source material just wins. Also, if you look at the comments on the French one, people who understand it says the original song makes a bit more sense in relation to the book. Point to the French.

That song made kind of famous by the Seinfeld episode vs. God, these people are shmucks

The Seinfeld episode in question is the one where George has this song stuck in his head and something about a suede jacket and Elaine's father...I only saw the episode once. My mom would know more about this stuff than I would. I made a parody of this song about the murderers in Macbeth. It was brilliant. I pick the French version yet again. It makes Thenardier sound suaver, but still sleazy. Which, he should. But he's so much worse in the book. Hence, why I like the book better. But still, point to the French.

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables vs. Seul devant ces tables vides

Seul devant ces tables vides, surprisingly, did not appear in the original concept album, as Marius never spends much time brooding over his fallen commerades in the book (as I recall). He was too busy being unconcious, reconciling with his grandfather, shunning Jean Valjean away and then getting married to even think about that. With the exception of mentioning Eponine like once or twice. Then again, in the book, Marius isn't close with the Friends of the ABC at all. He just joins them because Eponine told him that he was desperately needed and he thought he'd never see Cosette again. Now, I say that this is surprising because this is song is considered to be Marius's song. But, it had no reason to be on the original concept album which was more book oriented. At any rate...Marius can really be sold based on his actor. I'm not looking forward to hearing Nick Jonas singing this. The album will be released August 23rd. I plan on buying it. And mocking Nick Jonas.

But back to the song. I pick the French version, again. I actually couldn't find the original Broadway version on Youtube, which distressed me. So, I picked the 10th Anniversary Edition of this song, sung by Michael Ball, who is basically the reason why I don't like Marius. Book!Marius is awesome. Michael Ball!Marius isn't. Point to the French (c'mon, you know it sounds better).

All right, last song, I promise. I'm thinking of which Javert song to pick. His overly religious song that isn't true to the book whatsoever, or his suicide song. I pick the latter! C'mon, do you wanna hear the overly religious song? No. Exactly.

Javert's Suicide vs. Le suicide de Javert

Now, Le suicide de Javert was not called that in the concept album but I (OF COURSE) couldn't find it on YouTube. The song was originally called Noir ou Blanc (Black or White). Which may sound boring in English, but it's pretty legitimate if you consider Javert's way of thinking. Now, I'm not even using the Original Broadway version of Javert's Suicide. Why? Because the 10th Anniversary version kicks some major ass. Phillip Quast. He has a cool name and he is the man. Actually, Colm Wilkinson is the man, so Phillip Quast is the dude. Now, where the English version has Phillip Quast, the French version has the confrontation between Valjean and Javert, in which Valjean pleads Javert to spare him one more hour so he can save Marius. Although, the 10th Anniversary has this too...whatever, it sounds better in French and I'm having trouble finding it at the moment. My computer is old and it hates me.

Anyway, that's how French pwns in the Les Miserables musical. For the book, I will just show you this one quote and suddenly everything will make sense. Okay, not really but there's one particular quote that sounds so much better in French than it does in English. Like I said, French is a hot language.

"Tant qu’il existera, par le fait des lois et des mœurs, une damnation sociale créant artificiellement, en pleine civilisation, des enfers, et compliquant d’une fatalité humaine la destinée qui est divine; tant que les trois problèmes du siècle, la dégradation de l’homme par le prolétariat, la déchéance de la femme par la faim, l’atrophie de l’enfant par la nuit, ne seront pas résolus; tant que, dans de certaines régions, l’asphyxie sociale sera possible; en d’autres termes, et à un point de vue plus étendu encore, tant qu’il y aura sur la terre ignorance et misère, des livres de la nature de celui-ci pourront ne pas être inutiles."

Which translates to:

"So long as there shall exist, by reason of law and custom, a social condemnation, which, in the face of civilisation, artificially creates hells on earth, and complicates a destiny that is divine, with human fatality; so long as the three problems of the age — the degradation of man by poverty, the ruin of woman by starvation, and the dwarfing of childhood by physical and spiritual night — are not solved; so long as, in certain regions, social asphyxia shall be possible; in other words, and from a yet more extended point of view, so long as ignorance and misery remain on earth, books like this cannot be useless."

Actually, it sounds really good in both languages, but I imagine in French it flows better, as French was Hugo's native language. Here is the wikiquote page for Les Miserables (the book). Decide for yourself which one is better.

By the way, I'm sorry it took so long to get this to you. I burned my hand last week and then I got lyme disease...again.