But her boyfriend's like her dad...WHAT?!?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the videos and lyrics I make references to in this blog post.

I know I said my next blog post would be about the entity that is Ke$ha, but after listening to Lady Gaga's 'Alejandro' today and watching the music video, I decided that Ke$ha's deeply rooted self-esteem issues needed to be put on the back burner. Because, quite frankly, Lady Gaga is probably a bigger mystery to society than Area 51.

I bet you anything scientists are baffled by Lady Gaga's mind. If it really even is her mind. Go on Youtube and listen to her stuff before she was found and made famous. She sounds amazing! Now that she's been 'discovered', she comes out with...well, this:



First of all...what? Are they facist (they're certainly wearing facist esque uniforms in the beginning)? Why does she have two giant, broken glass things on her head? Who died? What the hell is that bejeweled red object? Is she like a mistress of a sex harem? Is this intensive dancing boot camp? What's going on here? Who are Alejandro, Roberto and Fernando, and why does Roberto get left out toward the end? Is he the one that died? Are they all under mind control? Why is she asking him to let her go, if she's got them all locked up and shirtless? Why are they beating the shit out of each other? Is she a virgin sacrafice? Seriously, WTF is going on here?

When I first heard this song, I imagined the exact opposite of what the music video turned out to be. Like I expected Lady Gaga to be holding a Mohito or some fruity drink like that while these three Spanish dudes were trying to hit on her and get her attention. None of them really succeed, but at least Alejandro gets her attention. I expected the beach. And warm, sunny colors.

Like I said, the exact opposite of what this music video was. Now, not for nothing, Lady Gaga is known for some weird ass videos (Paparazzi, anyone?). Actually, that's her entire 'persona' or the persona that the label may have made up for her. Being weird. Which I don't have a problem with, but it just seems like she REALLY stretches it.

Is she disappointed in herself? What about her parents? Apparently she's been getting along better with her mom than in years past, but is that all a publicity thing? Who the hell knows?

All I know is, for all it's catchiness, Alejandro is a weird song. If you, like me, were so distracted by the music video the first time you saw it, the only thing you probably caught in the song was 'ale-ale-alejandro'. So, I'mma transcribe the lyrics and give my comments.

"I know that we are young
And I know that you may love me
But I just can't be with you like this anymore
Alejandro"

All right. I'm down with that. They can't be together anymore because of whatever reason. And the dude's name is Alejandro. All right, Lady Gaga. So far, I am with you.

"She's got both hands
In her pocket
And she won't look at you (won't look at you)"

You lost me, Gaga. Wait. Is she...you? Why are you speaking in the third person? You were just speaking in the first person! What's the point of going back from first to third person? It doesn't make sense. But, I do get you wanna avoid this Alejandro dude. He seems kinda sketch.

"She hides true love
En su bolsillo"

She hides true love in her bag? Is true love a new tampon brand or something?

"She's got a halo around her finger
Around you"

So, in basic terms, she's got Alejandro wrapped around her finger. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT, LADY GAGA? It'd be SO much easier to understand. Do you not want people to understand you? Does this have something to do with your parents? Do they try to get you, but clearly they don't. Talk to me, Lady Gaga. I'm your friend and I'm here to help you.

"You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico"

Well, his name is Alejandro, so I already assumed he was hispanic...thanks for clearing that up though. AND NOW YOU'RE BACK IN FIRST PERSON. GOD DAMN IT, GAGA. STICK WITH EITHER FIRST PERSON OR THIRD PERSON AND SAVE US ALL A GIGANTIC HEADACHE.

"Rejoice
At this point I've gotta choose
Nothing to lose"

I thought you already chose not to be with him. You told him you couldn't be together anymore. So like, are you lying to him? Are you lying to yourself? Are you in denial?

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro"

Well, we don't really know who you are, so it'd be really hard for him to do that.

"I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando"

...is Fernando the reason you're breaking up with Alejandro?

"Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush"

That sounds kinky.

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto"

Wait, who the fuck is this guy? Alejandro? Fernando? Roberto? No wonder you keep switching between third and first person! You can't decide on a man, how the hell can you decide which personal state to keep your songs in? Unless they're all the same person and you just suck at remembering names.

"Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro-e-ro"

So clearly this Alejandro means something to you...what the hell do Roberto and Fernando have to do with this?

"Stop
Please, just let me go
Alejandro
Just let me go"

But I thought she/you had him wrapped around her/your finger...? So why is he...wait. Why are you asking him to let YOU go? And if we wanna base stuff off the music video, then it you would be the one who as him hostage...so, yeah.

"She's not broken
She's just a baby"

You can be broken and young. Shit happens.

"But her boyfriend's like her dad
Just like a dad"

Umm...WHAT? That line screams to me "I HAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS". Doesn't that say the same thing to you if her boyfriend is like a dad? What does that even mean? Uggh, I don't even wanna think about it.

"And all those flames that
Burned before him
Now he's gotta firefight
Gotta cool the bad"

...her dad's a firefighter? I don't get this verse. Just like...at all.

"You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico
Rejoice
At this point I've gotta choose
Nothing to lose"

If this dude's like your dad, you might wanna choose Fernando or Roberto. Just saying. Y'know, I don't really understand the pysche behind dating someone who is like your dad. I love my dad and all, but if you compare your fuck buddy/boyfriend/fiancee/husband to your dad, I think that's extremely creepy.

Understandably, your dad is probably the one guy in your life who will want to protect you more than anything (a recent, and kind of intense grounding proved this to me), but...your fubud/bf/fiancee/hubby loves you in a completely different way. Y'know like...in the biblical sense. 0:)

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto"

All right, we get it. Guys, you're making it hard for her to choose. So, y'know, just go away. Nobody wants you. Or at the very least, Lady Gaga doesn't want you.

"Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro-e-ro"

Or maybe she just wants Alejandro. Her mixed signals are confusing me like no other.

"Don't bother me
Don't bother me
Alejandro
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Bye Fernando"

Aww, we're saying bye to Fernando? BYE, FERNANDO! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU! [/Titanic] Oh wait. That dude's name was Fabrizio. Hey, Lady Gaga? Why don't you hook up with him? Oh wait...he's dead and kind of at the bottom of the ocean. But don't let that stop you!

"I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Alejandro
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Fernando"

What happened to Roberto? He doesn't get a formal good-bye? That's cold, dude...tte.

"Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto"

No, wait, Roberto's back. And so is Fernando. I thought we said good-bye to Fernando. Is he the one that died? I'm still very confused.

"Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro
Ale-Alejandro-e-ro"

Oh, God this song makes me want to dance on a table. Really badly.